Plucked Feathers
Evens Angulo Duvil
I remember waking up on my bed. All the other kids I could see marching along by the doorway, getting their morning routines started. The sun shined through the window onto the floor. It was blinding. I rolled off the mattress and stumbled around the boxes and bags. “Nou bezwen yon fason jwenn tout timoun sa yo soti nan kabann nan tan.” Loud cries of Haitian Creole came from the kitchen and bathroom. We had breakfast that day, and it was cold. The sausages were burnt and dry. The cereal was soggy to the point that it had dissolved into the milk. The apples were rotting at the core, but at least the juice was good. Sweet, old orange juice. It made what I had to endure that day easier to swallow.
When I looked at you though, you had a big grin on your face. Your cheeks were so high up, they blinded your eyes. Good because you would have seen how badly I wanted to break your nose. You were always optimistic about everything all the time. I loved and hated you for that. That’s probably why you got picked. Every time someone leaves, it makes me have a conversation with myself. I’ve admittedly grown more and more self deprecating to the point that I wonder if anyone would love me and take me in as their own. I mean what is it? Is it my hair ‘cause I could shave it off if you want? Is-is it my teeth because if I had dental insurance, I would get braces faster than I get overlooked at this place? Is it the sad look that I have on my face even when I smile? I have not really been given a lot of things to be happy about these days, so I apologize for that. I’m like the rotten apple that is left on the tree.
Your mother had given you a brand new suitcase to put your belongings in, but we only owned about 10 things each. If I had grabbed everything that was to my name and shoved it all in there, we would have enough space to fit a school desk. We both would do everything together in our 5 years here. We had gone to school together, brush our teeth together, watch movies together, play video games together, and support one another. It was usually you who did most of the supporting. Maybe you got tired of it all and are actually happy to go and leave me behind. Maybe that’s what I’m really mad at.
You called me into the bathroom because you were going to brush our teeth. Begrudgingly, I walked over as I cursed under my breath. As soon as I reached the front of the door, you burst out everything about your excitement of leaving, what you were going to do, and whatever else. Instantly, I zoned you out because I did not want the jealousy to pour out from every crevice I have. There was a blue jay standing on the window sill that was hopping back and forth. Every time it hopped back, the sunlight hit its vibrant, blue feathers. It was practically glistening. Yet when it hopped inwards towards the bathroom, the complexion of the feathers resembled more of a sick, pale blue. The stupid bird was mocking me. He reminded me that I did not have a choice.
You shouldn’t be allowed to mock kids. What if I just ripped all of your feathers off? Then you would be the same as me. Stuck. Like a fly in a web. You might think you could make it out and even gain a little bit of distance, but eventually you will get that whiplash back to reality.
Ms.Augustine opened the entrance of the building to let in the family that stole my best friend. They walked over to the room where your bed and luggage was and grabbed it for you. Your new dad was a strong, stocky man who smelled of cigars and coffee. Your new mom had on a dress that I doubt she could bend her knees in. Your new brother had diabetes in his future with all the candy in his pockets. Your new sister...was cute. You hugged me hard and told me you would still be in the neighborhood and still go to the same school. You said that we could still hang out and that things would not change between us.
“Make sure to let these kids know that they are not being left behind. Tell them that they are just traveling more than the average kid and that they will make great storytellers. Goodbye.”
I walked over to Ms.Augustine and blatantly asked why a family has never picked me. She dropped her newspaper on the counter and stared at me with a blend of bewilderment and annoyance. She looked me straight in the eyes and told me that I’m basically an asshole to every family that comes over. She brought up how I cursed at some families, spit on a little girl, and made claims that the other kids had crabs. I always liked Ms.Augustine. I respected her for her honesty.
Looking through the bathroom window, I watched as your family took you away. The Sun hit each one of your family “members”...you looked different. The dim lights within the orphanage couldn’t hold a candle to a single ray of our intense Sun. There were colors that were worn by you that could never be created within the confines of this place. Tens seconds in, and you had already transformed. Good for your stupid self. Get out of here. Don’t pick up what makes me...me. Your dad turned on the radio of his 1997 Pontiac, turned on his left signal, and drove off. Frank Sinatra played from your open window as you disappeared from my view.
Today, we are graduating from high school, and I’m preparing my speech. I turned out to be the valedictorian of our class despite everything. We have still been friends like you promised, but...you made other friends too. I couldn’t ever really find anyone else to call a friend, but you had plenty. You had to make time for them too. I-I get it. I couldn’t stand out like you socially, so I tried to pave my own way in the books. Maybe I’d make friends that way. It kind of backfired. They would approach me, but only ask for help on the homework. You look happy everyday that I see you. You’re on the basketball team. You got a hot girlfriend. You got friends. All the teachers like you.
I think about the day you left a lot. Mostly because I see your parents come and pick you up all the time while I’d get on the bus. I never thought I deserved to be taken by a family honestly. Kids like you and the others back at the home deserve it more. I don’t know why, and I’m not sad about it anymore. I’ve accepted it. You’re gonna go and do great things with your family, and I’m gonna figure out what next. I’ll just...figure it out.
By the way the day you left, your dad hit the blue jay on the way out. Thanks for that. Karma’s funny, ain’t it?
When I looked at you though, you had a big grin on your face. Your cheeks were so high up, they blinded your eyes. Good because you would have seen how badly I wanted to break your nose. You were always optimistic about everything all the time. I loved and hated you for that. That’s probably why you got picked. Every time someone leaves, it makes me have a conversation with myself. I’ve admittedly grown more and more self deprecating to the point that I wonder if anyone would love me and take me in as their own. I mean what is it? Is it my hair ‘cause I could shave it off if you want? Is-is it my teeth because if I had dental insurance, I would get braces faster than I get overlooked at this place? Is it the sad look that I have on my face even when I smile? I have not really been given a lot of things to be happy about these days, so I apologize for that. I’m like the rotten apple that is left on the tree.
Your mother had given you a brand new suitcase to put your belongings in, but we only owned about 10 things each. If I had grabbed everything that was to my name and shoved it all in there, we would have enough space to fit a school desk. We both would do everything together in our 5 years here. We had gone to school together, brush our teeth together, watch movies together, play video games together, and support one another. It was usually you who did most of the supporting. Maybe you got tired of it all and are actually happy to go and leave me behind. Maybe that’s what I’m really mad at.
You called me into the bathroom because you were going to brush our teeth. Begrudgingly, I walked over as I cursed under my breath. As soon as I reached the front of the door, you burst out everything about your excitement of leaving, what you were going to do, and whatever else. Instantly, I zoned you out because I did not want the jealousy to pour out from every crevice I have. There was a blue jay standing on the window sill that was hopping back and forth. Every time it hopped back, the sunlight hit its vibrant, blue feathers. It was practically glistening. Yet when it hopped inwards towards the bathroom, the complexion of the feathers resembled more of a sick, pale blue. The stupid bird was mocking me. He reminded me that I did not have a choice.
You shouldn’t be allowed to mock kids. What if I just ripped all of your feathers off? Then you would be the same as me. Stuck. Like a fly in a web. You might think you could make it out and even gain a little bit of distance, but eventually you will get that whiplash back to reality.
Ms.Augustine opened the entrance of the building to let in the family that stole my best friend. They walked over to the room where your bed and luggage was and grabbed it for you. Your new dad was a strong, stocky man who smelled of cigars and coffee. Your new mom had on a dress that I doubt she could bend her knees in. Your new brother had diabetes in his future with all the candy in his pockets. Your new sister...was cute. You hugged me hard and told me you would still be in the neighborhood and still go to the same school. You said that we could still hang out and that things would not change between us.
“Make sure to let these kids know that they are not being left behind. Tell them that they are just traveling more than the average kid and that they will make great storytellers. Goodbye.”
I walked over to Ms.Augustine and blatantly asked why a family has never picked me. She dropped her newspaper on the counter and stared at me with a blend of bewilderment and annoyance. She looked me straight in the eyes and told me that I’m basically an asshole to every family that comes over. She brought up how I cursed at some families, spit on a little girl, and made claims that the other kids had crabs. I always liked Ms.Augustine. I respected her for her honesty.
Looking through the bathroom window, I watched as your family took you away. The Sun hit each one of your family “members”...you looked different. The dim lights within the orphanage couldn’t hold a candle to a single ray of our intense Sun. There were colors that were worn by you that could never be created within the confines of this place. Tens seconds in, and you had already transformed. Good for your stupid self. Get out of here. Don’t pick up what makes me...me. Your dad turned on the radio of his 1997 Pontiac, turned on his left signal, and drove off. Frank Sinatra played from your open window as you disappeared from my view.
Today, we are graduating from high school, and I’m preparing my speech. I turned out to be the valedictorian of our class despite everything. We have still been friends like you promised, but...you made other friends too. I couldn’t ever really find anyone else to call a friend, but you had plenty. You had to make time for them too. I-I get it. I couldn’t stand out like you socially, so I tried to pave my own way in the books. Maybe I’d make friends that way. It kind of backfired. They would approach me, but only ask for help on the homework. You look happy everyday that I see you. You’re on the basketball team. You got a hot girlfriend. You got friends. All the teachers like you.
I think about the day you left a lot. Mostly because I see your parents come and pick you up all the time while I’d get on the bus. I never thought I deserved to be taken by a family honestly. Kids like you and the others back at the home deserve it more. I don’t know why, and I’m not sad about it anymore. I’ve accepted it. You’re gonna go and do great things with your family, and I’m gonna figure out what next. I’ll just...figure it out.
By the way the day you left, your dad hit the blue jay on the way out. Thanks for that. Karma’s funny, ain’t it?